My Childhood Was Okay - Growing Up With Abuse & Neglect (Rant)

 I often look back at my life and analyze how I grew up. Did we have food in the house? Yes. Did we have clothes and a roof over our heads? Yes. Did we occasionally go on family trips? Yes. I go down the list and everything seemed fine, except... My dad punching holes in the wall when he was angry, my mother being frequently absent and not calling, my older sister beating the shit out of me and taking what she wanted because she could. Yeah, these are not healthy people. We didn't sit down to talk about our issues. My dad would give us gifts and hoped that smoothed things over, and continued to scream or throw a tantrum when things went wrong. My mother would see this and be dismissive, wouldn't do anything about it. My older sister lived in fear of our dad, and I suppose took her anger out on me. There I was; quiet and keeping to myself in my room. Escaping in my video games, my art, my books, etc. I always felt trapped. I always felt like I couldn't do anything. I thought it was strange that the adults around me commented on how bad my life was but didn't do anything about it, or they tried but it didn't work. I felt like I couldn't talk about it because I would be punished, or criticized because I didn't have it as bad as my friends. That doesn't seem right, though. Someone who breaks their arm has every right to complain about it as much as the person who's suffering from a stomach ulcer. Different pain, but it's still pain. 

 I don't like the mentality of, "Well, you don't have it as bad as so-and-so so you shouldn't complain." or "You should forgive so-and-so because they had a fucked up life." You're just invalidating my feelings. So, I shouldn't complain too because my life doesn't suck as much? I should let the person who's acting like a shithead continue to act like a shithead because they had it bad? I can be sympathetic. I know it's hard to be a person, there are a billion things going on in your head and your life and sometimes you can't be sunshine and roses. People get stuck in cycles and they haven't figured out how to get out of it, or they don't have a support system that can help them. There are so many exceptions and so much grey area, but I'm not going to constantly let myself suffer for someone else's benefit. I choose to take responsibility for my actions. I can be shitty too but I apologize and try to correct the shitty behavior. 

 I'm choosing to protect my peace this year. At almost 32 years old, I think I deserve to enjoy life and not be a doormat. I only want to let the people who care into my life. They're allowed to fuck up just like everyone else. I just don't want to be a doormat. I don't want my kindness to be taken advantage of. I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm going to be punished for speaking my mind, or fighting against something that I don't think is right.